My Mom May or May Not Have Been Married to Heath Ledger

Here's Michelle Williams, widow of Heath Ledger...

Here's my mom...

Maybe I'm Heath Ledger's love child...

Okay.
I was 5 years older than Heath...
But if time and space had warped in some sort of bizarre science fiction freak-fest, it could have happened!
I'm just saying!

On Being "Normal"

Wayne has always told me he is glad I am not a "normal" girl. By that I think he means my interests extend beyond the latest hair, fashion, and makeup trends; he has always praised me for not getting lost in soap operas and shows like "The Bachelor." I guess he somehow got the misguided notion that normalcy does not coexist with good fashion sense and fairy tale romance.

But I know a lot of really cool women who are really in to these types of shows and they are pretty dang normal. So who's to judge? Maybe I'm missing out?

I was on Facebook around the time "The Bachelor" premiered this season, and there was one of my dental school friends posting on his page that his wife was forcing him to watch as payback for making her watch "Mythbusters" with him the night previous. So, to pass the time more enjoyably, he and his buddies were posting a play by play on his wall, complete with color commentary a la Dudeness. And it was freakin' hilarious. I thought, "No WAY it could be this cheesy! ...Really? They are actually playing 'On the Wings of Love' by Billy Ocean?!? ...And the guy is striking a Top Gun pose on his motorcycle? What am I missing out on?"

So I tuned in. And I did so at great expense, because while I would have much to chat about with my girlfriends who were regular viewers, I had lost the respect of the man I married. You should have heard his absolutely HORRIFIED reaction when he found out: "NOOOOOO! I can't believe you're watching that crap! How could you betray me like this? My image of you is shattered!" Shana, what would Jack Bauer say?"

Wayne should know better than to use tactics like this on me. I'm a Scorpio with a Taurus moon sign... hence, I'm stubborn like a bull and like to pop you with my stinger. So I totally dug in my heels... and watched every single episode to spite him.

But he was right. Shhhh. Don't tell him. Can I make that typeset any smaller?

Oh, my gosh! That was such a load of CA-RAP!!! How desperate do you have to be to subject yourself to such humiliation and become one of these women vying for the affection of one (albeit superstudly looking) dude? I mean, I get that you have recently acquired a marvelous set of silicone ta-tas and need to find the perfect venue to wear low cut dresses to show them off... But COME ON, girls!!! The guy is sucking face with every girl on the show? Doesn't the prospect of communicable diseases cross your mind every time he macks on you? Aren't you afraid of lip V.D.?

And why, if you end up being the girl that almost wins his heart, but loses to the other skank with no self respect, would you go on a reunion show and listen to the show's host say things like, "So, your heart got totally stomped on that day. How did that make you feel?" "Uuuum. LIKE TOTAL CRAP, YOU JERK! What do you think?" "Gee , why don't we watch the clip that made you feel like jumping out of your hotel window." "Sure, Buddy. That would be awesome. But don't mind me while the clip is playing and you are panning on my face while the audience watches for my pained reaction... I'm just going to ingest this bottle of pills. Please don't try to pump my stomach."

Or even better, if you end up being THE girl--the one who has won the heart of Superstud--you have to watch the entire season of him explaining how he adores all these other women, and then watch him make out with them... Over and over and over again. If that doesn't put you directly into marital counseling, then I don't know what will.

So I guess I'm not normal after all. I HATE this crap. Give me a terrorist threat and Jack Bauer's penchant for ridding the world of Nu-cu-lar weapons any day. 'Cause watching that herd of stupid women almost made me want to blow some stuff up, myself.

Top 10 Random Things You Couldn't Pay Me Enough To Do:

We all have our breaking points. I will do a lot of things on a dare, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Here's my line. Don't ever make me cross it.

1. Eat Menudo. I don't know what's grosser... That there exists a spicy soup made of poop organs or that somebody named a pop band after it. (They should call it "Poop Pop.")
   
2. Pick up a banana slug with my bare hands... Though, if you think about it, they would probably just feel like somebody's mouth (but I use gloves for that.)
3. Give anybody a foot massage... Not EVER in a million years (sorry, Wayne.)
4. Watch any of the following movies again: "The Perfect Storm," "A.I.," "Cold Mountain," or "The Invisible." (That's about 10 hours of my life completely wasted.)
   
5. Go on any game show which would require me to have any sort of insect or arachnid crawl on me. (Especially cockroaches.)
6. Kiss any of my old boyfriends again. (And I'm not saying that just to make Wayne happy.)
   
7. Dissect a human cadaver and extract boogers from the sinus cavities... Oh wait! I've already done that one! (One of the nastiest days of my life, I tell ya.)
8. Douche mice... Hey! I've done that one too! (It was all in the name of science, rest assured.)
9. Wallpaper any room in my house with little pink roses. (Perhaps it's a phobia brought on by my decor as a youth.)
10. Go to school for another 10 years. (MAN! I am getting trunky!)

What would you resist doing no matter what?

List of Several People Whose Mouths I Can't Stand Looking At and How My Pet Peeve of Nasty Teeth Can Somehow Be Incorporated Into Politics

It's a hazard of my profession...
Once I started studying dentistry, I began to view the world through a completely different lens. Whenever I'm talking to someone, whenever I'm watching movies, whenever I look at photographs, the FIRST thing I notice is someone's mouth. So much so, that I have mentally composed a list of people whose mouths I can't stand. Here is that list so that I may pass on my dental OCD to all 12 of my regular blog readers:

1. Let's start with the obvious: Jon Heder. If anybody could be a poster child for what happens to your kids if they mouth breathe for too long, Napoleon Dynamite would be IT. The poor guy can't even close his lips together, he has had such a disfiguring amount of growth in his maxilla (top jaw). It doesn't help that he has largish, chicklet teeth on display as well.

2. And speaking of largish teeth, let's talk Jake Busey AKA Mr. Ed.
'Nuff said, Ed.













3. Another Mouth Breather: Michael Phelps. So here's your public service announcement folks... If you don't want you kids to have long narrow faces, wicked crooked teeth, and you want them to have the ability to close their lips together, take them to the doctor if they can't breath through their nose!!!!! They could still win Olympic gold, but they will look like this:

4. Kirsten Dunst is a lovely girl. But whenever I see her, I can't help but fixate on her lateral incisors. Class I, Division II is the exact name for this little orthodontic problem. That's where her two front teeth sit back a little while the eye teeth on either side flare out. Maybe Spiderman would've given you more sexy kisses in the rain if you had those fixed, Kirsten.
5. Matthew Fox has the same problem as Kirsten, but I couldn't find a good picture of his upper front teeth. This picture of him as "Racer X" shows one of my other problems watching his mouth when he speaks... He has one crooked lower incisor that sits waaaaay behind the others. Sometimes when Dr. Jack Shepherd is bossing people around on the "Lost" island, it looks like he's got a tooth missing and he suddenly transforms into a hillbilly. Come on! They've got a dentist trapped on that island for crying out loud! Too bad Bernard, DDS didn't get stranded with his high speed and Cerac machine, because there are several fellow survivors that could use his handiwork...
6. Here's another of the "Lost" causes: Evangeline Lilly and her super-white front rabbit teeth. This one was bugging me so much, I actually googled "Kate + Lost + Front Teeth" and learned that one of her front teeth was knocked out long ago. It appears they veneered the other front tooth to match the bad prosthetic, and voila... Bugs Bunny.
6. Dominic Monaghan's mouth bugged the crap out of me as a Hobbit and again on "Lost." It's not so much the teeth as it is the lower jaw shift to the right and the ginormous underbite. He's a great case for early orthodontics (For you dentists out there, let's talk functional shifts due to traumatic anterior occlusion).
7. And finally, we arrive at the Big Kahuna of teeth that annoy the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of me... Tom Cruise, who has the WORST midline deviation known to man. It appears he is missing his left canine, hence all of his teeth wandered over into that direction, and now he has a tooth smack dab in the middle of his face. DRIVES ME NUTS!!! But not as nuts as he is.
8. Everybody British. Sorry, blokes... you are all doomed to appear in the "Big Book of British Smiles" a la Simpsons hilarity.




So I'll conclude with this post with one last bit of food for thought: As we consider Universal Health Care and examine England as our nation's model... Do we want to include dentistry in the package?

How's that working out for you, Amy Winehouse?

Since Wayne Never Went to Prom

...I thought we could recreate the experience.

Only a few differences that I noticed...

1. My date showed up on time. Not like the time for Junior Prom when my date gouged his hand on the Saran Wrap cutter and had to stop the bleeding before putting on his rented tux and then made us late so we couldn't go play putt-putt golf with all of our friends in our finery and then barely made our dinner reservations and sat by the entrance to the kitchen while the flippy door with the window slammed next to our table nonstop. Yah. That was a hoot.
   
2. No corsages or boutonnieres.
3. Wayne didn't pick me up in a borrowed Toyota Selica with a steering wheel made of shiny chrome chains... Cuz that was better than my date's car, sadly.
   
4. I didn't spend hours in the beauty salon with all my girlfriends and didn't put any decal rhinestones on my fingernails.
5. No rhinestones. Period.
6. Probably most notably... Our son was taking the pictures... and he'll be going to prom in less than three years!

U R a QT. Luv U 4-ever!

Just for fun, here's a picture of the bleeder. And BTW, I was upset at the hairstylist for not making my bangs poufy enough. And as another side note, I made my dress so that I could learn how to sew. Stunning taffeta, eh?

I Have Writer's Block

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...


Wow! This is so much easier with cut and paste.

Create Your Own Caption

Sometimes, I just have no words for the stuff that goes on in our house. Please help me fill in the blanks...


We are heading out for a vacation for the next week or so and will not likely be blogging. Looks like I'm going to need the R & R while I can get it. Lots to do when I return to work.

Catch you on the flip side!

I'll Answer Your Question With a Question...

I found this on Shellie's blog, and I'm totally jealous of her 51 comments, so here it goes...

The game is like this:

I ask a question.

The first person to read this post will leave the answer to my question in the comments and then ask a new question.

The next person answers that question and leaves a new question...

And around and around we go.

I'm not talking life-altering, meaning of life questions...Just random musings that pop into your head. Don't be shy. The more personalities that weigh in on these important topics, the better.

~~~~

What animal do you most closely resemble and why?

Pontifications About Pop Culture That Keep Me Up At Night (...no wonder I'm an insomniac)

What's the deal with pomegranates? How come they have become so popular these days? Has there been some boon in the pomegranate harvest that precludes a rash of products like pomegranate jams, soaps, air fresheners, juices, frozen yogurts, sodas, etc.? Did Oprah do a special pomegranate episode featuring the antioxidant properties of the fruit? Has there been some newly developed gadget in pomegranate harvesting technology? Did the pomegranate lobby somehow find its way to Washington? I love pomegranates...always have. But seriously, WHAT HAPPENED? Why is it that all of a sudden they are everywhere?



Is Batman really a superhero, or just a rich dude with cool gadgets? And is it just me, or is it not totally obvious that Bruce Wayne is Batman just by looking at his teeth? I mean, their dentition is identical! ...Okay...Maybe it is just me, but I had a very difficult time watching the latest movie without fixating on that fact.


Why didn't Edward freak out every time Bella was on her period? Is Tampax really THAT absorbent? (Sorry boys. I hope I didn't offend too much!)


What kind of quandaries keep you up at night?

What are the Chances?

Let's talk probability here...

What are the chances that Jack Bauer of Fox TV's "24" fame would EVER be able to save the world? It's one of my favorite shows, and I'm sure I'll get sucked in for another nail biting seventh season, but I have some problems swallowing a few of the logistical details involved in a show that is supposed to kick terrorist butt in real time.

Seasons 1-6 have a cadence that typically plays out like this. Bear in mind, every character is shouting these lines:

"Jack! You are so rogue! Thank you for saving our bureaucratic butts again by doing something so NOT by the book!"

"Agent Sharp! THERE'S NO TIME! It's 5:00 pm and I have to get to the Port of Los Angeles from our downtown headquarters by 5:22 or a nuke-u-lar bomb is going to explode in one of the 20,000 containers being stored there! I'll take the SUV, while you head to Beverly Hills in the chopper to protect the President from the assassin that is plotting to take him out at the gala this evening! Hurry! You only have five minutes!"

[End scene with a *beep* *boop* *beep* and the layout of various vantage points of relevant characters would include a shot of the president in his tuxedo at the gala in one box, somebody sinister checking out the site on his sniper rifle in another box, Jack Bauer rushing into a black armored vehicle, and somebody arabic-looking shutting a massive shipping container holding a nuclear war head with 22 minutes on the clock.]

...And then there would be a bunch of fighting, and a bunch of bad guys would get their butts kicked, but in the end Jack would save the day, and the President would be just peachy. And everybody would finally learn how to pronounce nuclear properly...Whew!!! That was close!

---

Here's how I think it would really play out, again with a lot of shouting...

"Jack! How come we keep letting you back in here? Weren't you arrested, like, 12 times by our agency last year?"

"Agent Sharp! THERE'S NO TIME!!! I need to pee really bad! I've been trying to escape terrorists for the last 6 hours with no bathroom breaks, and I finally escaped when I bit through one of their necks and he bled out... Come to think of it, I sure hope the terrorist I bit didn't have AIDS or Hepatitis or anything...

[Jack trails off in thought and then shudders visibly]

"Plus, I'm dying of thirst because I haven't had any thing to eat or drink since yesterday, so I thought I'd stop at a 7-11 and pick something up on the way to the Port of Los Angeles to deactivate the nuke that's about to go off in 20 minutes! So you can see... THERE IS NO TIME!"

"Jack, do you really think you can get through traffic in 20 minutes during rush hour? Seriously?!? And then, once you get there, you have to rifle through about 20,000 containers that all look the same! Not to mention, with the government cut backs, we don't have enough in the budget for the fuel costs of maintaining all the SUV's and helicopters, so we only have the Smart Car! You'll have to take that! The bathroom is down the hall to the left, but you have to jiggle the handle a little, or the water keeps running!"

[End scene with the *beep* *boop* *beep* as Jack does the pee pee dance down the hall, the arabic looking bad guy is licking mustard out of his grizzly looking beard as he shuts the shipping container, the President is assuring the First Lady that, "No. That gown doesn't make your butt look big," and the sniper is singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall..." as he waits for the sniping.]

After the commercial break, all of Los Angeles gets nuked. The End.

---

Here's what's coming this season...




Great. Looks like I'll lose another 24 hours of my life watching that!

My Christmas Break Decompression Strategy

I wish I had really interesting pictures to upload that could accurately depict our holidays. But alas and alak: I didn't take very many. I was too busy reveling with my peeps. We had a wonderful time visiting with LOTS of family. I will have to fill you in later in another post... but for now, I wish to brag about some truly amazing feats of wonder. Yay me!
Let me start off by saying this was the first break of much consequence that I have had since Spring of dental school last year. It was loooooong overdue. My brain has been scholastically baked for the better part of eight months without much of a reprieve. So let me preface the listing of my major accomplishments of late by warning you that when you hear them, you are going to be amazed at what a dork I truly am...

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm not hiding it as well as I think I am.

So here it goes... My major accomplishments: First, I finally got into the Twilight series. Much to the chagrin of all the boys in my household (who call the series "Twi-wipe" and are horribly bitter that the sixth Harry Potter movie was preempted by the bloodsucker movie), I have been plowing through vampire love stories like there's no tomorrow... Two books in four days. To be honest, I think Bella is a STUPID, STUPID girl, and I hate, HATE, H-A-T-E that she thinks her stalker/boyfriend is romantic by sneaking into her bedroom and watching her sleep... Oh yah, and he wants to EAT her!!!! (BIG red flag in my book)... but I feel strangely compelled to finish the series. I guess my girly-girl instincts are peeking through, despite my testosterone-rich home environment. Either that, or the OCD in me simply dictates that I finish what I started. Whatever the cause, I need to get my hands on the last two books, and SOON!

But to be clear, my Man-Brain (as Wayne calls it), was not to be outdone. To counterbalance the estrogen-fest in my literary choices over the break, I blew up aliens for an entire night. That's right folks. I guess I missed pulling all-nighters studying about the carnage of oral surgery and root canals, so I stayed up until 6:30 AM enjoying carnage of a different sort by playing Halo 3... Oh, and did I mention that I beat it on two levels? Yah. I'm a masterful Master Chief.

...And I'm a total nerd.

The World According to Shana

I have a host of very weird quirks. I don't notice them anymore. Wayne thinks most of them are cute. But most of my acquaintances don't ever notice the internal dialog that goes on when any number of situations crosses my path. So consider yourselves privileged (though perhaps a bit frightened) to enter the madness within me. Here are the rules of my world:

• One must NEVER say the following: I haven't had a cold/parking ticket/speeding ticket/jury summons in so long! As soon as you say such ill-fated mumbo jumbo, you have doomed yourself, and will be unable to truthfully say such things in about a week.


• If you say, "Traffic is not bad today," you will find the road ahead of you has suddenly jammed itself into parking lot status.


• Food should be eaten very carefully. Whatever you are eating, you should try to nibble away at it until you have composed the "perfect bite." This means that as many elements of a dish that make it yummy should be corralled into a center piece and eaten as a grand finale of culinary ecstasy contained in a single bite. For example, pizza should be eaten in the following manner: First, bite off the floppy, pointy part at the end. Next, tear most of the crust off and eat it, but save yourself a little piece in the corner to hold onto. Eat most of the rest of the pizza from the fat side. Finish with the bite that has the most toppings, usually somewhere in the middle of the piece. (Incidentally, my sister eats her pizza this way too, and we formed this weird little ritual independent of one another.)


• Before bed, the following routine must be carefully performed each night: Get into jammies. Take out contacts. Brush teeth for two minutes. Drink a big glass of water. Pee. Wash hands. Wash face. Put lotion on face. Put on glasses. Put body lotion on legs and feet. Wash hands again. Put chapstick on. Drink another glass of water. Set alarm. Read or watch a movie until the sandman comes calling. Always keep covers on, even if it's 90 degrees outside (just don't put the covers on your feet when it's hot.)


• When talking on the phone, rock back and forth as though you had a sleeping infant in your arms. If you are feeling particularly energetic, wander through the house at the same time. But whatever you do, don't sit still!


• Solve a sudoku puzzle when you are sitting through a long, boring lecture. It is impossible to sit and listen to "blah blah blah" without doing something with your hands. Numbers and doodles are great, but NEVER crossword puzzles.


• When too tired, never try to use your thumbs. They won't function.


• When very annoyed, wiggle your feet back and forth in a perturbed, fidgety manner. When relaxed, circle your ankles back and forth in a contented fashion.


• While sleeping, scrunch up your face like an angry old man. The crease developing on your forehead will abate itself with Botox someday.


• Always, ALWAYS keep your pinkie up when drinking a beverage.

I fear if I post any further idiosyncrasies, I will have made too clear a case for my neuroses. What are some of your weirdest quirks?

Oh My Heck!!! ...part deux

I make my case further against jello:
a) What is yellow jello really made of? (Not sure I really want to know the answer, but I can't think of any color of jello less appealing.)

b) Is it really food if it can perform feats like this? (below) "He put my stuff in Jell-O again! [to Jim] That’s real professional, thanks. That’s the third time and it wasn’t funny the first two times either! " --Dwight K. Shrute

Oh My Heck!!!

Mormons have their own flippin' language: Cryptic little phrases that we assume everybody knows, but most people who have never been to one of our wards never would. ...See! Case in point: What the frick is "the ward?" Are all Mormons institutionalized at some point? ...and why on earth does she keep using F-words that aren't really F-words?

We may all sound crazy when we speak the Mormon vernacular, but perhaps this (very abbreviated) glossary of terms and guide to Mormon culture will aid you in your future conversations with Mormons deeply entrenched in our crazy lingo.

Let's start with Sundays: We go to church at a regular church meetinghouse, NOT the temples that you see gleaming conspicuously here and there. Temples are for special ceremonies and occasions like weddings, and are considered particularly sacred. (This is a picture of the L.A. Temple, which is conveniently located only a few minutes away from our home. When I lived in Georgia, however, we would have to drive three hours to get to the nearest temple in Atlanta.)

On Sundays, we go for three hours to our regular buildings for our edification and learning. "3 HOURS?!?" you say? "How much edification does one need on any given week?!?" Well, time flies when you're having fun. We all go to a meeting together for the first hour, and then we ditch the kids in Primary for the last two hours and get to converse with grown-ups. Primary is the corral for children ages 3-11.

You'll frequently hear us talking about Wards and Stakes... No. We're not all escaped mental patients from the hospital ward with the padded walls. A "Ward" is a group of Mormons divided geographically, akin to a school's boundaries, and a "Stake" is a collection of those wards, much like a school district has jurisdiction over several school boundaries. There are local leaders that volunteer their time to each ward and stake. They are called Bishops and Stake Presidents.

You will hear us call ourselves LDS. We are not dyslexically referring to psychedelic drugs. LDS stands for "Latter-Day Saints" as in "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." This is the actual name of the Mormon church, but we would all sound pretty verbose if we went around saying that mouthful all the time. So, we often go with the slang: Mormon.

Mormons have potluck functions as often as possible. Sometimes there will be a big pot-luck after the 3 hours of church, and this is called a "Linger-Longer." And since we're on the subject of potlucks, you must also learn the term "Funeral Potatoes." I suppose they got their name because Mormon funerals are always potluck, and this is a staple at all such functions. It is the quintessential comfort food...ooey, gooey, cheesy goodness that is sure to make you forget your sorrows, if but for a moment. Another Mormon staple: Jello Molds (*shudder*). Frankly, jello kind of creeps me out. And when you dump a bunch of stuff in it, only to allow it to float around in a gelatinous suspension for all time, I don't find it very appealing! Not to mention, when it jiggles, it reminds me of some sort of weird amorphous food-colored internal organ or something. In my humble culinary opinion, food should never jiggle.

Relief Society is the women's organization. We meet on Sundays, and look for any excuse to get together to do crafty things and have more food: usually something involving chocolate.

When Mormon women go through menopause, they all start wearing long skirts and cutting their hair like this (Right): These ladies are phenomenal women, so if you are Mormon, and you recognize these three women as the General Relief Society Presidency, please don't leave me nasty comments about ridiculing our leaders... I'm merely using their picture as a fashion plate for the majority of Relief Society Baby Boomers. It's almost requisite to cut your hair in a short, heavily layered bob once all of your kids have gone away to BYU.

And finally, what's with the weird phrases like "Oh my heck!" Or "What the frick?" For the most part, Mormons live fairly squeaky-clean lifestyles. But when frustration kicks in, we all still have the primal urge to let loose a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush. ( ... Wait. Is that just me? ... ) To avoid this oh-so-offensive practice, Mormons have developed a lame habit of cussing in non-profanities that start with the first letter of the replaced cuss word. So, "Flip," "Fetch," "Frick" is in lieu of ... well, you know... Everybody wins: cathartic release of strong-sounding verbiage + no blushing sailors.

For more information about Mormon fashion and terminology, please watch "Napoleon Dynamite." It was filmed in Idaho, which is second only to Utah in its per capita Mormon membership. Pay particular attention to the poofy sleeves and side ponytail. Fashion iconology, I tell ya!

Riiiiiiiight....

Natural (adj) \ˈna-chə-rəl, ˈnach-rəl\: existing in or produced by nature: not artificial.

Latex (n) \ˈlā-ˌteks\ : a water emulsion of a synthetic rubber or plastic obtained by polymerization and used especially in coatings (as paint) and adhesives.

A Long Time Ago, Dr. Laura Could Have Saved the Galaxy Far, Far, Away

After dinner tonight, the boys and I gathered together to watch (for the bazillionth time) Star Wars Episode III. We were all in a pretty silly mood however, and ended up watching it with more commentary than Mystery Science Theater. It was quite fun. Nathan wants to make a post about some of our musings, so I'll save the good stuff for him.

But there has always been a part of the Star Wars saga that has forever perplexed me. Why the HECK did Padme Amidalla ever fall for the dude she nicknamed "Annie?" We'll put aside the fact that she emasculated him from the get-go by that annoying term of endearment she gave to him when he was on Tatooine (Oh, and by the way, about NINE YEARS OLD!!!) Let's also put aside that she was a queen and he was a slave WHO WAS NINE YEARS OLD when they first met! One of her elaborate outfits was probably worth more than Slave-Boy could have provided in his whole lifetime. But I digress... Their whole relationship was a bit odd. Let's take, for instance, the following scene in Episode II:

Anakin has just disclosed to Padme that he has spent the evening avenging his mother's death by killing a village of sandpeople. "And not just the men!" he grunts... "but the women and the children! I slaughtered them all!"

His dim-witted girlfriend's response? "You're my kind of guy! Let's get married, Stud!"

What was she thinking? I'm pretty sure any guy who admits mass murder is not going to be much of a keeper. Maybe that little character flaw was a bit lost on the Queen of Naboo, but I hope, were I ever put in that position, that a little red flag might go up in my mind somewhere in that conversation.

Who knows? If Padme had told the psycho to take a hike, perhaps then he wouldn't have feared loss so much... No fear... No anger... No hate... No Dark Side... Yadda yadda yadda... Galaxy saved. Where's Dr. Laura when you need her?

Amber Alert!!!

Have you seen this boy?

Name: Timmy

Height: 1'2" standing (but he is confined to a wheelchair, so it's more like 9" most of the time)

Weight: 1.4 lbs. soaking wet

Distinguishing Features: Vacant eyes; Huge cranium (we suspect hydrocephaly as the root of his diminished mental capacity); Tiny, shriveled legs, Responds to his name but can only reply with and enthusiastic, "TIMMY!" or if he is sad, a despondent "timmy" may escape his lips.

Last seen with: His big brother Nathan, who took him out onto the playground in front of our old apartment to document Timmy's last moments in San Rafael. We always suspected Nathan was a bit jealous, given Timmy's obvious special needs, but had no idea he would go so far as to abandon his poor, helpless brother! Whether due to neglect or downright vindictiveness, Nathan will be dealt with harshly.










Though we suspect Timmy is gone forever, we hold out some hope that he will make his way back to us in our new home in Southern California. He has been with us on many family adventures: Disneyland, Knotts, Universal Studios. We felt it only fitting that we document his journey to Santa Monica. We are sickened and saddened at the prospect of our special little boy sitting helplessly atop the slide, waiting for his big brother (whom he once admired and adored) to pack him in the car for our journey South.

If you have any information regarding Timmy's whereabouts, please post a comment. Your attention in this matter is much appreciated!

Hunting and Gathering at Safeway

The other night, we were at a loss as to what to make for dinner. Wayne went to the grocery store to forage for a nutritious meal. This is what he returned with. At least he thought to add legumes to the mix.

Mmmmm. Peas and Pie!

How Short ARE You?

I get this question a lot. So here it is:
Driver's licence says 5'0" (but that's a bit of a stretch ...literally... and the lady at the DMV knew it. She had pity on me, though and let it fly). In reality, I'm 4'10 and 1/2" ...and don't forget that 1/2". It's important!

Interesting facts:

• "The American Academy of Pediatrics... says that most kids aren't ready for regular seat belts until 'the child reaches about 4'9" in height and is between 8 to 12 years of age."
• "Little People of America (LPA) defines dwarfism as ... an adult height of 4'10" or shorter, among both men and women."

So that means I'm only an inch and a half from still needing a car seat and half an inch from legally being considered a dwarf. THAT'S how short I am!

I like to keep in mind the following..."Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6