Excuses! Excuses!

Oh, how I wish I had an amazing excuse as to why I have not been posting. I can't just say it's all Facebook's fault. I've used that excuse before. I wish I could say any or all of the following to lend validity to my blogging suckiness:

1. I've been sunbathing in Aruba for the past couple of months and have soooooo many pictures to upload, I just don't know where to begin.
2. Sorry. This press junket for my latest Oscar nominated movie has just sucked the life out of me. Between the premiers and the fittings for the Red Carpet, I just haven't had time these days.
   
3. I haven't been able to blog because I have been spending so much time exercising, feeding the homeless, adopting Hatian refugees, and cleaning my house. I don't know what's gotten into me these days, but if I keep it up, I may be nominated for sainthood. Did I mention that Brad and Angelina were so impressed, they gave me one of their kids? It was getting to be too much for them, but they thought I could handle it.

No. Not me. Here's the state of things since December 2009 in the real world:

1. Nathan's tonsils no longer exist.
2. Wayne's mom is waiting in Salt Lake to go on her mission to New Zealand.
3. My dad and I are working out the details for me to start work in the Santa Rosa practice this August.
4. Hayden is one of the finalists for a singing competition that I didn't even know he had entered, but may win a scholarship if he proceeds.
5. Tuba practice still sounds a little like a dying cow, violin practice similar to a dying cat.
6. It's 80 degrees in February in Santa Monica.
7. My brother Scott is going to Afghanistan.
8. My other brother Scott resurfaced on Facebook.
   
9. Wayne celebrated the Saints' win in the Superbowl. He has loved them since he was a kid and they generally have sucked for most of that time. It was a thing of beauty to watch them redeem themselves in their first Superbowl ever.
   
10. I spent way too much time on Facebook and Hulu.
11. Oodles of my time is being spent as a wonderful role model for my children...
    

l

So that's it. Just imagine how bad at blogging I will be when I finally get that Sainthood. You'll be luck to hear from me bi-annually. Till then, I'll try to be a little better.

I don't know how to put this ...but I'm kind of a big deal.

I know it's hard to believe, but I've never really been all that popular. When tell people I was a cheerleader, I know people instantly think of me like this:



And when I mention that I was student body president, I know for a FACT that people flash upon what that might have been like for me. As crazy as it sounds, it was nothing quite so glamorous as this:

Nope. It was more like this:
I know, I know. I don't mean to make you jealous of all the hotness that is embodied in this one picture, but I'm sorry. I can't help it. You're just going to have to cry yourself to sleep at night, envious of me and all my super-hot friends and our totally rad bangs.

But now my blog has apparently received global attention
...thanks to famous writers like the author of this awesome blog, who lavish me with gifts like this:

Now... I have to tell you, I was initially morally opposed to posting this award simply because it says plainly in my blog description, "anything frou-frou is very out of place in our mostly masculine home." It doesn't get any more frou-frou than dainty pink roses on gingham and a title that Kleverly misspells words in a Kute way. But I figured, "Hey. It's for my peeps." (BTW, Leah #2, you're considered peeps now.) And I think it's kool that somebody I've never met before thinks I'm Kreativ. Thanks Leah! (Apparently, my biggest blogging fans have lately all been named Leah. Who knew I could carve out such a niche in the blogging world.)

I'm soooooo hot right now.

I'm a WINNER!!!

I just won a major award!

No... Not THAT award, silly!
This one....

It's spunky... It's clever... It's mildly inappropriate... Just like ME!!!
Thank you Leah!

Facebook Has Sucked My Soul.

For the first time since I have started this blog, I have had so very little to say. As I go throughout the day on most days, I can find something that happens to me or my family that is blog-worthy. Or, at the very least, I can come up with something to reminisce/muse about. But of late... ZIP... ZILCH... NADA. The well has run dry, people! My mind is the freaking Sahara. I'm even out of tags. Who runs out of tags, I ask? I think I have posted about 632 random facts about me, my husband, my children, my former jobs, what I have done throughout the day, etc. on any number of tags... Not that it was ever interesting in the first place, but at least it got the creative juices flowing and I might be able to work in a bit of humor that would satisfy the blogging beast.

*Tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on? Does anybody even check this blog anymore?

Perhaps if I just start typing, something witty and/or profound will emerge.

.....

Nope. Still a barren dessert.

.....

What is a girl to do? Perhaps it's Facebook that is to blame. Maybe my creative juices have shriveled and died thanks to an endless stream of third person entries about my days: i.e. "Shana has spent another day wrestling kids into the dental chair." "Shana has two very noisy children. She is contemplating sewing their lips shut." "Shana doesn't care about American Idol this year. She is just happy Tatiana's histrionics didn't get her any further." "Shana needs chocolate."

Hey! That sounds tasty. Maybe that will grease the wheels a bit. Pardon me for a moment...

...

Aaaaah! Delicious, and perhaps a bit inspiring. I will attempt to ramble while enjoying the sweet and savory meltiness of my favorite vice slowly dissolving on my palate.

...

So anyways... Back to Facebook... Ever since I joined, I have had a blogger breakdown. I know other people who are able to successfully do both. For me, it almost seems they are mutually exclusive. Which sucks, because I have a need for both. Facebook has its place because satisfies my curiosity about what distant friends/ family/ acquaintances/ people I went to school with/ people that used to stalk me/ people I haven't laid eyes on since before puberty/ etc. are up to now. Let's be honest. You aren't REALLY going to develop any deep bonds through 150 characters or less at any given post on somebody's wall. It's just fun to see how things turned out for people.

Blogging, on the other hand, allows for a personality to come through. For instance, someone perusing my Facebook profile may never find out how cynical and biting my sense of humor can be. They will likely never know how I muse about pomegranates and my former days as a playground bully. Visit my blog, and that becomes glaringly apparent. Bottom line: I am much more "me" on here than on my "Wall."

So where did I go? Where is that personality of which I speak? Has she defected to the shallow world of online social networking? Will she forever stay in this rut of speaking of herself in third person? AAAAAAAAARGH! I/She can't stop doing it?!?

She'll be back someday soon, I'm sure. But for now, she is going to raid the chocolate again in a shallow attempt at assuaging her bitter disappointment of a lame and pointless post that went nowhere. Forgive her.

I'll Answer Your Question With a Question...

I found this on Shellie's blog, and I'm totally jealous of her 51 comments, so here it goes...

The game is like this:

I ask a question.

The first person to read this post will leave the answer to my question in the comments and then ask a new question.

The next person answers that question and leaves a new question...

And around and around we go.

I'm not talking life-altering, meaning of life questions...Just random musings that pop into your head. Don't be shy. The more personalities that weigh in on these important topics, the better.

~~~~

What animal do you most closely resemble and why?

By Royal Decree

Apparently, King Wayneman thinks I'm slacking. He has decreed that I post something.


"It's been too long since your last post," he says.

"My mom will worry, and call, and leave frantic messages on your phone because you haven't blogged in a while," he says.

"You'll lose your fan base," he says.


Well, the fact of the matter is, I'm tired... and uninspired... and grungy. I have been trapped in an anesthesia rotation, waking up every morning at 5:15 for the past 2 weeks, wearing blue paper bonnets and booties in a room that feels like the arctic circle, putting in I.V.s, and intubating people before they get eye surgery...And then they go to sleep, and I sit there watching monitors go "beep. beep. beep." and hope that they don't stop their incessant beeping, because then things are going to get exciting, which is NOT what you want during anesthesia. It's all for the sake of learning, folks. But let's just say, I'm very happy I chose dentistry instead of medicine (and more specifically: anesthesiology).

So "fan base," pardon my lack of enthusiasm. I still have two more weeks of this ahead of me, and I feel like doing an angry dance!


Wouldn't it be great to be that cool? As it is, I would look a lot more like this guy, but wearing scrubs, a blue bonnet, and paper booties.

"Clark Griswold on Crack"...and a bunch of other stuff I pilfered off of other peoples' blogs because I sucky suck at finding anything good on YouTube

I'm hoping to have 12 posts about Christmas done before the holiday actually arrives.
You know... 12 Days of Christmas and all that.

That would be a great idea if I had any talent for finding good stuff on YouTube (which, I have learned, is a wonderful means of filling up your blog with really funny crap with very little effort... BUT, also means you have posts for which nobody takes the time to pause your music player, and will probably pass up the opportunity to watch the funny crap and become enlightened...) But I digress.

My point is this: I have no knack for finding anything good on YouTube. Whenever I try, I end up stuck watching cute little babies burping, or kittens batting around balls of yarn. Or even better is when I find some embittered chick with hairy armpits ranting about the oppression of mistreated avocado farmers. So I give up. I will just stumble around the blogosphere on occasion and happen upon little gems like these.

May you delight in the Holiday mirth which I have been enjoying so much on the blogs of those far more imaginative and YouTube-capable than I.

First, I pose a question: What if Clark Griswold did crack? Imagine what his house would look like at Christmas time. If "Sparky" could have gotten his hands on something a little stronger than the egg nog he shared with cousin Eddy in his festive Wally World mug, I think his house would have had a similar resemblance to this astounding display.



Secondly, I wish to share a little Christmas story I stole from Wayne's sister's blog:

Once upon a time, a little babe was born in Bethlehem. A star shone in the East upon His arrival. It was a magical night, and visitors from many lands came to pay homage to the newborn king: Shepherds travelled far after learning of his coming from a Heavenly Host. Wise men came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh. And a great big gorilla tried to snatch baby Jesus and carry Him away to Jane Goodall. But Mary and Joseph fed the gorilla a nice banana, and the great ape was placated. THE END.

At least that's the gist we got when our little two year old niece "enhanced" the nativity this year... Although there is still some debate as to whether or not it was really her, or if perhaps her daddy snuck one past mommy when she wasn't looking.

Lastly, in honor of the Twelve Days of Christmas, here is a video that makes me smile, no matter how many times I watch it. And you betcha... I stole it from my sister's blog in light of my disability with all things YouTube. I wish I were this amazingly talented. I think it's true genius when you can SING comedy.


Thanks to all who posted their super-fantastic uncopyrighted material.

And (once again) Merry Christmas from the Van Cleaves!

Mentisms

What better way to reenter the blogging arena than with a good old fashioned tag? Natalie Nelson posted this a couple of weeks ago and was probably feeling totally dejected when I didn't respond... Actually, she probably could have cared less, but I'd like to maintain my well practiced self-delusion, thinking my opinion actually matters to people. But when I finally found it, I responded to her witty answers in a comment, wherein the word verification was "Mentisms." I think I found something to add to the vernacular.

Mentisms (pl. n.): Musings of a person with questionable mental faculties. Ex: "Three Men and a Little Lady" was full of mentisms today.

So here they are... Mentisms galore in the form of descriptors about me.

I Am: Freakishly short
I Want: Chocolate at any given moment
I Have: A big butt (see above)
I Miss: Northern California
I Fear: Hurting my patients
I Hear: Wayne playing the X-box
I Search: For a complete set of socks for the boys EVERY day. Where do those little buggers go?
I Wonder: Why, when you have children, does everything on your entire body change shape, but we can't grow an extra hand or two to keep up with all the multitasking.
I Regret: Torturing my little sister so mercilessly as a kid
I Love: My boys... All three of them.
I Forgive: But there better be a darn good excuse for the offense. (I know, I know... Not very Christlike.)
I Ache: When I see a special-needs patient that is not being well cared for.
I Always: Cringe when somebody smacks their food.
I Try: To whistle, but it sounds like I'm just hyperventilating.
I Am Not: Frou-frou.
I Seem: Like I know what I'm doing.
I Know: A lot of random crap that will never matter in my life. I'm a trivia trap.
I Feel: Bummed that the wonderful Holiday weekend is drawing to a close.
I Dance: In a manner that brings great embarrassment to my children.
I Dream: Very rarely. I have difficulty sleeping.
I Give: and I give and I give...
I Listen: To the most ridiculous conversations between my boys sometimes. And I think to myself, "Where in the world did you come from? Surely you don't have my DNA!"
I Sing: Like a Mermaid these days.
I Laugh: Quite often. Wayne is a funny, funny man.
I Can't: Believe how bad our economy sucks right now!
I Write: My mentisms for all the world to read.
I Cry: Very rarely, but usually at the lamest of times, and usually when I have wicked PMS.
I Sleep: With lots of pillows, elbowing Wayne whenever he comes near me, flopping back-to-front and front-to-back... Basically, I'm a high-maintenance sleeper, and even if all the conditions are just perfect, I still don't achieve much in the way of a good REM cycle.
I Am not always: Tolerant of whining. Correction...I am rarely tolerant of whining.
I See: Christmas decorations that need to be put up.
I Need: A massage and a great hairstyle.
I Should: Finish my book.

Eventually, I will put up a post of things that went on while we were on our forced hiatus from the blogosphere. For now, I tag anybody who is related to me (In-laws count).

Thank Goodness!

And thank Remy, who has kindly offered up a mildly temperamental laptop with power cord issues for our use right now. We are finally able to rejoin the blogging world once again. No longer will you have to wait weeks on end to hear my rambling, nonsensical pontifications. No longer will I have to wait after work to get a quick peek at other blogs, but not have enough time to comment. Oh! There will be comments once again! Such comments will I give! Get ready blogging world... I'm BAAA-AAACK!!!

Pardon My Absence...

It seems our computer has malfunctioned. Once it is replaced, I will stop wasting time at work putting up lame posts like this, and I can once again blog my usual nonsensical pontifications.

I'm Beginning to Think I'm Being Plagiarized

Does THIS sound familiar to anyone who knows me? Pay particular attention to the last paragraph. Once you've read the post in question, join me... Let's tally this up:

1. Chick from a broken home
2. Chick going to dental school
3. Dude is a teacher
4. Chick has big boobs
5. Chick voluntarily went on a mission (Okay... Wayne snatched me up before I ever got the papers in, but I was GONNA... Voluntarily!)

Doesn't "Seriously So Blessed" sound strangely reminiscent of THIS post?

Does THIS look suspiciously like THIS?

I am beginning to feel I am being watched and made fun of by the entire Utah Molly Mormon Sect. Would the real Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole please reveal herself? AND STOP STALKING MY BLOG YOU HOSER!!!

I'm a Winner!

I really am... at least according to my new Bloggy friend , Kelly Beeson, from Mesa, AZ. (As if I don't have enough friends who live in Mesa! Though this one wound up there by other means than completing dental school at UOP. Seriously, Kelly...If you click on about half the names on my blog list, you will find a bunch of your neighbors that just opened up dental offices in the Mesa area. It's better than 1-800-DENTIST. )

Kelly is a sharp witted California transplant who is much like me, in that she loves chocolate hazelnut, loves Disneyland (especially the Indiana Jones ride, which Kelly Rochester and I rode about 7 times last time we were there in April), and dances around in her kitchen wearing heels and a fabulous apron to do housework.

...Okay. You caught me. I've never actually done the last thing.

We quite unalike, however, in that she is supertall and I am super-not-tall. I think if we ever did meet in real life, we would be a very funny pair, seeing as how I am about as tall as her inseam. We'll have to document that if she ends up out this way for her family's potential Thanksgiving getaway.

In celebration of Kelly's 1 year blogaversary, she gave away a gen-u-ine Chinatown Coach bag... AND I WON!!!! So, Kelly, I promised you a fetching outfit to go along with the stylishness due a gorgeous knock-off like this but unfortunately, I hardly ever dress in anything besides necrotic gray scrubs these days. So here it is, in all its glory, hanging off my short little arm.

Thank you!!! I will wear it well!

Do I Really Want to Open Up This Can of Worms?

Well, this isn't really a tag, per se... But I saw this on a few of my friends' blogs and it sounds like fun. Here's how it works:

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

In the Immortal Words of Kip Dynamite...

Peace Out!

Off to Santa Monica! You can still reach me at my cell phone number. We won't have Internet service for a while, so unless I can pick up free WiFi in the area, I'll be off the blogosphere until we settle a bit.

Keep your fingers crossed all goes well. This has been (by far) the craziest move I have ever had to coordinate... between the boards, graduation, and the start of my new program. Holy Shnikies! I need a vacation!

I'm Amazing

Things I have recently learned about myself by taking random blog quizzes:

• I am 49% geek
• My dead body would be worth $5975
• I prefer brainy men (brains vs. bod)
• My power color is indigo
• My aura is blue
• I need some green in my life
• Of all the Jane Austen characters, I am most like Elinore Dashwood
• I am strawberry ice cream
• My goth name is Contessa Lovecraft
• My celebrity baby name is Chanel Rogue
• I can take on 19 five year olds in a fight (Nate could take on 25!!!! Anybody need a babysitter?)
• I can name 74 countries in five minutes
• My love life is most like Annie Hall
• My fashion style is "girly"
• I can name 49 colors in five minutes
• My PMS disaster level is HIGH
• I have a 52% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse
• I am 56% likely to eat my buddies in a blizzard (Mmmm...Kelly belly. You're not going to want to go to Disneyland with me anymore, are you Kelly? Not the Matterhorn, anyways.)

So there you have it. That's everything you wanted to know about me... and much, much more. I'm amazing.

Another random blogging observation by Shana...

Don't get too excited. There is no bun in this oven. I just noticed a lot of these little tickers on people's blogs and wanted to join in.
I think this particular form of counting down to the big day is pretty cute. But there are alternatives to this that creep me out. For example, there is another html script that you can post that includes little floating fetuses in a quasi amniotic sac. It just reminds me of some sort of depraved science project. My favorite instance of this was on a blog from one of my acquaintances who just graduated dental school who was expecting triplets. Triple the fetuses, triple the creepy.

But what cracked me up even more were the OTHER things for which you could make a ticker to celebrate. For example: A breastfeeding ticker. It basically allows you to share with the world, "Look how long I've been suckling." Does the world really need to know that? I frankly don't care. And what if you are one of those uber-mom's who breastfeeds until the kid is 3 years old? How long will that ticker go??? At what point is the ticker programed to say, "You might want to find a new hobby." (BTW, in my humble opinion, if your kid is old enough to ask for milk, get it out of the fridge!)

The other ticker that I was amazed and astonished by: An ovulation ticker. This allows you to tell the world 1. "We are having difficulty conceiving" and 2. Which nights the phone will likely go unanswered while said couple tries to remedy the situation. Good luck with that!

AAARGH!!!

I was trying to help Nathan start up a new blog and whilst adding the "flaming skull" background to his site, I accidentally added it to mine! Imagine my surprise when I clicked on "Three Men and a Little Lady" to find a winged vampire skull staring back at me. But the worst part: I lost all the good stuff on the side bar... My music, my pictures, my movie quotes, my links to friends, my countdown to graduation... ALL GONE!!! It took some doing, but it's finally back. I sure hope it brings you enjoyment equivalent to the amount of work that went into repairing the damage! If I left you off the friends' list, forgive me and leave a comment for me to correct it. I will do so swiftly!

Perfect Blogs

Okay. So I'm not a stalker or anything, but I started clicking randomly on people's blogs. I just clicked on one of our friends websites and clicked on one of their friends and one of their friends and so on and so forth. There were a few trends I noticed:

1. Almost everybody I randomly linked to was either in Arizona or Utah
2. Almost everybody was pregnant
3. Almost everybody had lists of friends, most of whom had guys with a "J" name: Jared, Jordan, Jaren, Josh, Jake, etc.
4. There are WAY too many perky people out there. Lots of the sites were named "Happy days" or "Life is Fabulous" or "Don't you wish your life were as perfect and wonderful as ours?" ... Not to say their lives aren't as perfect and fabulous as they claim, but REALLY???

I don't mean to sound bitter. I am actually thrilled with the wonderful blessings our family has. But if that is what real life is like for most people, we are entirely disfunctional! Here's how my life is right now:

1. I have laundry on one of my couches that has been there the better part of a week
2. I have no idea where we will be living in 3 months
3. Nobody in our house has a name that starts with "J" ...Not even a middle name...Not even extended family.
4. My womb has not been housed with any cute little perfect wonders for the past 9 1/2 years
5. I am sitting up at 2:00 in the morning in order to get some "me" time, wherein NOBODY can ask me to do anything.

For those of you who live up to the perfect blogs, I certainly don't begrudge you your much deserved happiness. I, however, will glory in my inadequacies.