L.A. -ti-FRICKIN-da!

I HATE L.A.!!!

Not just a little bit... I really, REALLY, REALLY hate it! I mean, it's nice enough to visit if you have lots of money to spend on fine dining and fancy hotels. There is a lot of art and culture to see if you have the time or inclination, and the beaches and weather are superb. But if you want to get to any of those places, chances are you will be stuck in traffic at some point in the journey. And once you get there, you will probably have to pay $12 to park. And then if you decide to make another stop, it'll be more traffic and more parking fees. And while you're stuck in traffic, you will probably get honked at... or shall I say HOOOOOOOOOONKED at, because let's face it, the only way to successfully express yourself in a moving vehicle in L.A. is to really lay on the horn to make sure your frustrations are entirely understood. Flipping the bird is a frequently encountered local greeting on the road, too. It's practically like waving hello around here.

So my solution to this problem has been to take the bus to and from work. There are many things that make this sound appealing: I can let somebody else deal with the stress of driving in traffic. It picks me up a block away from my house. I don't have to pay for parking. For UCLA employees it is only 25 cents to ride. It's the "green" thing to do. And, I can read or study while I bide my time. But the caveat here is this: BUSES LIKE TO CRASH INTO OTHER CARS WHEN I AM IN THEM! I have been in three bus accidents in the year and a half that I have been here. I have never been hurt, but Holy Freaking Crap! THREE TIMES?!?

This morning's crash was particularly delightful, as we collided with a brilliant driver trying to shave a minute off her commute by running the red light to get onto the freeway and turning right into our path.

Bus-1: Stupid commuter-0.
Time saved trying to beat the light: Negative 3+ hours.

Thankfully, a little old man who was riding the bus with me was kind enough to check on the commuter's well being, as she was visibly in shock and quite embarrassed... Oh, wait. I got that wrong. That's what it looked like he was going to do as he shuffled over to her window and rapped on the glass. Instead, though, he just gave her his best mad-dog stare and shouted, "YOU STUPID BLANKITY-BLANK-BLANK-BLANK!" And then his wife beat him up with her purse shouting profanities at him and trying to usher him away. Can you feel the love this city has to offer? ...Where even the geriatrics are compelled to physically and verbally assault their fellow man? It's like a freaking Hallmark card every day!

But that wasn't even the best part. To add insult to injury, as I was herded safely off the bus onto the sidewalk, I began walking to try and get to the next stop in order to continue my journey to work. I got about 50 feet away from the accident when another commuter, obviously annoyed by the traffic that our little situation had created, sped past us, fanning an enormous spray of puddle water from my head to my feet. It soaked through three layers of clothing and gave me the delightful aroma of "Au de Gutter" all day. The only thing that could have made it the perfect trifecta of Monday-ness is if a bird had pooped on my head (and I imagine if the bird hailed from L.A., he would probably drop his load... and then flip me the bird as he headed South for the winter!)

Needless to say, I am counting down the days when I can leave Los Angeles in my rearview mirror. The only problem is: I'll probably get stuck in traffic on the way out and it'll take me six hours to drive the 25 miles to get out of this wretched place.

Excuses! Excuses!

Oh, how I wish I had an amazing excuse as to why I have not been posting. I can't just say it's all Facebook's fault. I've used that excuse before. I wish I could say any or all of the following to lend validity to my blogging suckiness:

1. I've been sunbathing in Aruba for the past couple of months and have soooooo many pictures to upload, I just don't know where to begin.
2. Sorry. This press junket for my latest Oscar nominated movie has just sucked the life out of me. Between the premiers and the fittings for the Red Carpet, I just haven't had time these days.
   
3. I haven't been able to blog because I have been spending so much time exercising, feeding the homeless, adopting Hatian refugees, and cleaning my house. I don't know what's gotten into me these days, but if I keep it up, I may be nominated for sainthood. Did I mention that Brad and Angelina were so impressed, they gave me one of their kids? It was getting to be too much for them, but they thought I could handle it.

No. Not me. Here's the state of things since December 2009 in the real world:

1. Nathan's tonsils no longer exist.
2. Wayne's mom is waiting in Salt Lake to go on her mission to New Zealand.
3. My dad and I are working out the details for me to start work in the Santa Rosa practice this August.
4. Hayden is one of the finalists for a singing competition that I didn't even know he had entered, but may win a scholarship if he proceeds.
5. Tuba practice still sounds a little like a dying cow, violin practice similar to a dying cat.
6. It's 80 degrees in February in Santa Monica.
7. My brother Scott is going to Afghanistan.
8. My other brother Scott resurfaced on Facebook.
   
9. Wayne celebrated the Saints' win in the Superbowl. He has loved them since he was a kid and they generally have sucked for most of that time. It was a thing of beauty to watch them redeem themselves in their first Superbowl ever.
   
10. I spent way too much time on Facebook and Hulu.
11. Oodles of my time is being spent as a wonderful role model for my children...
    

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So that's it. Just imagine how bad at blogging I will be when I finally get that Sainthood. You'll be luck to hear from me bi-annually. Till then, I'll try to be a little better.