Oh My Heck!!!

Mormons have their own flippin' language: Cryptic little phrases that we assume everybody knows, but most people who have never been to one of our wards never would. ...See! Case in point: What the frick is "the ward?" Are all Mormons institutionalized at some point? ...and why on earth does she keep using F-words that aren't really F-words?

We may all sound crazy when we speak the Mormon vernacular, but perhaps this (very abbreviated) glossary of terms and guide to Mormon culture will aid you in your future conversations with Mormons deeply entrenched in our crazy lingo.

Let's start with Sundays: We go to church at a regular church meetinghouse, NOT the temples that you see gleaming conspicuously here and there. Temples are for special ceremonies and occasions like weddings, and are considered particularly sacred. (This is a picture of the L.A. Temple, which is conveniently located only a few minutes away from our home. When I lived in Georgia, however, we would have to drive three hours to get to the nearest temple in Atlanta.)

On Sundays, we go for three hours to our regular buildings for our edification and learning. "3 HOURS?!?" you say? "How much edification does one need on any given week?!?" Well, time flies when you're having fun. We all go to a meeting together for the first hour, and then we ditch the kids in Primary for the last two hours and get to converse with grown-ups. Primary is the corral for children ages 3-11.

You'll frequently hear us talking about Wards and Stakes... No. We're not all escaped mental patients from the hospital ward with the padded walls. A "Ward" is a group of Mormons divided geographically, akin to a school's boundaries, and a "Stake" is a collection of those wards, much like a school district has jurisdiction over several school boundaries. There are local leaders that volunteer their time to each ward and stake. They are called Bishops and Stake Presidents.

You will hear us call ourselves LDS. We are not dyslexically referring to psychedelic drugs. LDS stands for "Latter-Day Saints" as in "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." This is the actual name of the Mormon church, but we would all sound pretty verbose if we went around saying that mouthful all the time. So, we often go with the slang: Mormon.

Mormons have potluck functions as often as possible. Sometimes there will be a big pot-luck after the 3 hours of church, and this is called a "Linger-Longer." And since we're on the subject of potlucks, you must also learn the term "Funeral Potatoes." I suppose they got their name because Mormon funerals are always potluck, and this is a staple at all such functions. It is the quintessential comfort food...ooey, gooey, cheesy goodness that is sure to make you forget your sorrows, if but for a moment. Another Mormon staple: Jello Molds (*shudder*). Frankly, jello kind of creeps me out. And when you dump a bunch of stuff in it, only to allow it to float around in a gelatinous suspension for all time, I don't find it very appealing! Not to mention, when it jiggles, it reminds me of some sort of weird amorphous food-colored internal organ or something. In my humble culinary opinion, food should never jiggle.

Relief Society is the women's organization. We meet on Sundays, and look for any excuse to get together to do crafty things and have more food: usually something involving chocolate.

When Mormon women go through menopause, they all start wearing long skirts and cutting their hair like this (Right): These ladies are phenomenal women, so if you are Mormon, and you recognize these three women as the General Relief Society Presidency, please don't leave me nasty comments about ridiculing our leaders... I'm merely using their picture as a fashion plate for the majority of Relief Society Baby Boomers. It's almost requisite to cut your hair in a short, heavily layered bob once all of your kids have gone away to BYU.

And finally, what's with the weird phrases like "Oh my heck!" Or "What the frick?" For the most part, Mormons live fairly squeaky-clean lifestyles. But when frustration kicks in, we all still have the primal urge to let loose a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush. ( ... Wait. Is that just me? ... ) To avoid this oh-so-offensive practice, Mormons have developed a lame habit of cussing in non-profanities that start with the first letter of the replaced cuss word. So, "Flip," "Fetch," "Frick" is in lieu of ... well, you know... Everybody wins: cathartic release of strong-sounding verbiage + no blushing sailors.

For more information about Mormon fashion and terminology, please watch "Napoleon Dynamite." It was filmed in Idaho, which is second only to Utah in its per capita Mormon membership. Pay particular attention to the poofy sleeves and side ponytail. Fashion iconology, I tell ya!