Let's talk probability here...What are the chances that Jack Bauer of Fox TV's "24" fame would EVER be able to save the world? It's one of my favorite shows, and I'm sure I'll get sucked in for another nail biting seventh season, but I have some problems swallowing a few of the logistical details involved in a show that is supposed to kick terrorist butt in real time.
Seasons 1-6 have a cadence that typically plays out like this. Bear in mind, every character is shouting these lines:
"Agent Sharp! THERE'S NO TIME! It's 5:00 pm and I have to get to the Port of Los Angeles from our downtown headquarters by 5:22 or a nuke-u-lar bomb is going to explode in one of the 20,000 containers being stored there! I'll take the SUV, while you head to Beverly Hills in the chopper to protect the President from the assassin that is plotting to take him out at the gala this evening! Hurry! You only have five minutes!"
[End scene with a *beep* *boop* *beep* and the layout of various vantage points of relevant characters would include a shot of the president in his tuxedo at the gala in one box, somebody sinister checking out the site on his sniper rifle in another box, Jack Bauer rushing into a black armored vehicle, and somebody arabic-looking shutting a massive shipping container holding a nuclear war head with 22 minutes on the clock.]
...And then there would be a bunch of fighting, and a bunch of bad guys would get their butts kicked, but in the end Jack would save the day, and the President would be just peachy. And everybody would finally learn how to pronounce nuclear properly...Whew!!! That was close!
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Here's how I think it would really play out, again with a lot of shouting...
"Jack! How come we keep letting you back in here? Weren't you arrested, like, 12 times by our agency last year?"
"Agent Sharp! THERE'S NO TIME!!! I need to pee really bad! I've been trying to escape terrorists for the last 6 hours with no bathroom breaks, and I finally escaped when I bit through one of their necks and he bled out... Come to think of it, I sure hope the terrorist I bit didn't have AIDS or Hepatitis or anything...
[Jack trails off in thought and then shudders visibly]
"Plus, I'm dying of thirst because I haven't had any thing to eat or drink since yesterday, so I thought I'd stop at a 7-11 and pick something up on the way to the Port of Los Angeles to deactivate the nuke that's about to go off in 20 minutes! So you can see... THERE IS NO TIME!"
"Jack, do you really think you can get through traffic in 20 minutes during rush hour? Seriously?!? And then, once you get there, you have to rifle through about 20,000 containers that all look the same! Not to mention, with the government cut backs, we don't have enough in the budget for the fuel costs of maintaining all the SUV's and helicopters, so we only have the Smart Car! You'll have to take that! The bathroom is down the hall to the left, but you have to jiggle the handle a little, or the water keeps running!"
[End scene with the *beep* *boop* *beep* as Jack does the pee pee dance down the hall, the arabic looking bad guy is licking mustard out of his grizzly looking beard as he shuts the shipping container, the President is assuring the First Lady that, "No. That gown doesn't make your butt look big," and the sniper is singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall..." as he waits for the sniping.]
After the commercial break, all of Los Angeles gets nuked. The End.
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Here's what's coming this season...
Great. Looks like I'll lose another 24 hours of my life watching that!
13 comments:
You are too funny! When do you have time to come up with all this, Dr. Shana? We are 24 fans too. Although, we can't bring ourselves to watch during the season... when we wait and watch it on DVD we can watch like 5 episodes at once instead of waiting a whole week in between shows. I know... nerds. And thanks for the tag. When I come up with things to say about Dave, I will complete it!!
Sah-weeet! Andy and I won't be watching it however, as we just barely finished Season Three and we're trying to watch them in order. Realistic or no, that Jack Bauer is friggin' awesome.
I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer.
Is that going too far?
I'm just glad that Diana's having a girl so we get dibs on the name Jack Bauer Sobek.
*note: i do not watch 24.
Yes, today's society feels the need to make some dude the most friggin' awesome action-ey dude ever. Then we try to outdo each other,copy each other, etc. Superman, Master Chief, Jack Bauer, all the same, in the many different genres of awesomeness:
Military, super-hero, super-soldier, Italian plumber brothers with matching outfits, military super-soldiers, and crazy rabbits with plungers.
Wahoo, Nathan!! I don't watch it either (and NOT because Diana says I shouldn't) but I get too tired watching all those people running and jumping and fighting and being angry and hateful all the time. It exciting, but not for an ol' grama like me.
Family History, now THERE'S exciting!
OH man, Shana, we are MAJOR Jack Bauer fans over here. Tyler & I don't have cable, so we watch the shows online through Fox. Watching this trailer made me so excited for Season 7! I can't wait for Tyler to get home tomorrow so we can start watching this season together.
Oh, and I was laughing SO hard over your re-take on how Jack Bauer must really feel during those 24 hours. Seriously though, how does he never go to the bathroom or eat?! You are the funniest! Thanks for the laughs!
Yeah Mo, I know I'm not the boss of you. Honestly, I had no alterior motives for telling you you wouldn't like it. You WOULDN'T like it, for the exact reasons you just stated.
Just to clarify: I still like action-ey dudes. Expeshully Master Chief. He's my man-crush.
Nato, no man crushes allowed until you are all growed up.
HAHAH but we still LOVE it... I can tell its going to be a good one this season.
Oh and I loved the blog on Wayneman.. who doesn't love the wayneman? I was dying at the thumb/starfish picture. That was awesome.
lol, so true.
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