DUUUUUDE!

So, like, we've totally lived in La La land for, like, a whole month! It's been bodatious! So the bras were, like, so stoked to get their paws on some excellent new boogie boards. They're, like, "Whoa! Let's totally go to Costco and plunk down some change, Madre!" And I was totally amped, too, so I was, like, "Way cool, little dudes! Let's go!" So we cruised to Venice, got us some sweet boards and headed for the surf.

Whoa! Check out the form on big bra, Nathan. He was, like feelin' it, dude! And we're not talkin' wussy little ankle busters, here. This was big surf! The life guards were totally callin' people in when the curls were gettin' out of control. I mean, this IS where "Baywatch" was filmed. We were careful cuz we didn't wanna have to pull a Hasselhoff or anything. That would WAY suck! And here's little bra in the soup. He was totally chillin' in the tubes... So chillin' he had to thaw on the sand and wait out a few sets before he froze to death. That would have been sooooo bogus!

Dude! Nate was so stoked, he totally lost his head!

He was, like, "Whoa!" And I was, like, "WHOA!" and then he was, like, "whoa."
But we totally found it and everything.

Dude, can you see my shoulders are, like, wasted? Cuz I totally didn't... and they were WAY fried! Muy Rojo! It was soooo heinous!

Lil' Dude was totally recreating the scene from Star Wars Episode III in this picture. Ya know? Where Hayden Christiansen was, like, frying in the lava and was a total a gimp cuz Obi Wan totally cut his arms and legs off, and he was all, "I HATE YOU!" to Obi Wan, and he looked WAY nasty, and then the Emperor totally hooked him up with that sick black helmet dealy and he was all, "Rise!" and then Darth Vader was, like, doing this lame Frankenstein walk out of his bed, and then that was IT! That was, like, how Darth Vader was born, Dude! Anyways, that's what lil' bra was doing in this Kodak.
When they were all nice and toasty, the lil' spongers were soooo ready to shred again! We had a WAY primo day! It was off the Richter!

I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet: A Public Service Announcement*

California RULES! We have gorgeous weather almost 24/7, the sandy beaches adorn the West side, the Sierra Mountains line the East side, free health care for poor people, and FREE roller coaster rides every few years!!! ... Well, not roller coaster rides, exactly, but it feels like it when a good earthquake hits.

So yesterday we got one of those free rides. Everyone is okay, thanks for asking. I was in the dental clinic with my cohort when the 5.4 rumbler hit. One of the other residents was about to give an injection to a patient when her hand started shaking uncontrollably for some reason. Turns out, everything was shaking. And true to native Californian form, I stood there with a couple of my classmates and watched as the lights swayed back and forth, ready to duck if the ceiling tiles started falling out, but all the while nonchalantly assessing the severity of that particular quake. You see, if it's not above a 6.0, and the epicenter isn't right on top of you, a true Californian does not "duck and cover." We just enjoy the ride! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

*This public service announcement should in no way be confused for actual recommendations regarding earthquake safety. Earthquakes are really terrible things. People die, sometimes. Freeways crumble. You should be afraid... Very afraid.

I Wonder...

I wonder when I will ever turn on my camera and NOT find something like this waiting for me:

Never a dull moment in the Van Cleave home... that's for dang sure!

Sometimes, Kids Just SUCK!!!

A darling little specimen (who, for the sake of confidentiality will be "Z" for all intents and purposes of this blog) came to visit me after a bonk to the face sometime the night previous.

Z was a precocious little thing. She proudly announced to anyone who would listen, "I'm waiting for Dr. Shana!"

Soon after she became aware of her eager little patient, Dr. Shana went back to the residents' room to collect a few things, where several of her colleagues stared at her sympathetically and said in a very ominous manner, "I am sooooo sorry." Now wide eyed with fear, Dr. Shana looked inquisitively at her colleagues who answered her growing concern with, "Use the quiet room." ...and left it at that.

Back in the clinic, Z eagerly hopped up into the chair, asking ALL KINDS of questions. She seemed quite unconcerned that she had suffered any kind of trauma, and there was very little in the way of outward signs of such a struggle. But Mom was insistent that she had injured her tooth, and was terribly concerned that the tooth underneath was going to be infected if her daughter was not promptly seen to assess the injury sustained by mysterious forces.

All the niceties out of the way, and a somewhat fuzzy patient history was collected (nobody would say exactly how the tooth suffered its catastrophic injury, and Z was having difficulty keeping straight exactly where in her mouth it actually hurt... sometimes up... sometimes down... sometimes left... sometimes right...).

Time to examine Z.

The chair reclines gradually. Z makes a joke about Dr. Shana's funny gloves. The overhead chair light goes on....

And then the demonic possession begins...

Suddenly, the energetic and inquisitive Z has begun screaming... Not like an everyday frightened child kind of cry. This sound could only be described as an emission from the depths of Hell: A high-pitched, hatred-filled, ear-piercing Nazgul-esque scream that rocked the clinic walls. Mom (so helpful of her), forcefully shoves Z back into the chair by the shoulders and pins her down, at which point the darling child rips at her mom's face like the dude at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." She has also managed to pull out chunks of her own hair as well as her mom's. All the while, she continues the devilish blood curdling shrieks.

Dr. Shana is concerned.

She steps away from the mother and daughter and says, "I am not going to be able to examine Z unless she can calm down and sit still." Mom assures Dr. Shana that her daughter is in excruciating pain, and this MUST be why she's acting like this, but Mom will let Z sit on her lap, and then surely Dr. Shana can get a good look and some x-rays in this miraculous position.

This time Z gets a chunk of Dr. Shana's hair too.

"Don't TOUCH my child!!!" Mom reacts, in a most protective manner.

Happy to oblige, Dr. Shana has already retracted the solitary finger she was able to glance across Z's upper lip for a brief second, still unable to assess Z's condition. Dr. Shana is pretty sure the x-rays would prove futile to obtain as well. Mom begins to think that maybe this emergency exam isn't going to work. But before she takes Z home, she decides to make one final plea:

"While we're here, Dr. Shana. Could you do Z's cleaning today too?"

"No, Mom. We can't. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."

My Past Life

Yup. I used to have it pretty good. Free rent. Free cable. A decent salary for a young starting-out family. Lived by a pool. Worked from home. It was the good life, indeed.

Except... I was a slumlord.

• 93 units of low income housing.
• Mustard yellow facade. Avocado green stoves.
• Roaches that would rain down from the door jams when you inevitably had to kick in the doors for evictions.
• Gunshots and sirens in the neighborhood almost every night.
• Taggers marking their territory.
• Having to call CPS on families neglecting and/or abusing their kids.
• Kicking out drug dealers, pimps and hos... some who proudly sharpen their machetes on the front porch on the night you deliver the eviction notice.
• Helping a tenant fax their release of liability to the Jerry Springer show, on which they are proudly scheduled to appear the following week.
• Car getting keyed and all tires slashed the night before Christmas Eve.
• Gang-bangers screaming in your face while your toddler looks on from his stroller... Screaming back at said gang-banger for getting in your grill in front of your baby... Gang-banger stomping away.
• Pregnant and climbing into an overflowing dumpster to stomp down the brimming trash in order to keep it from spilling into the parking lot.
• Picking up used condoms off the playground.
• Calling the cops on the crazy old lady threatening to kill herself.
• Chasing nasty people out of the pool "doing it" in broad daylight.
• Getting sued because your black security guard quitting decided it would be a nice opportunity to cash in on a bogus civil rights claim.
• Wading through 30 years of little-old-lady pack rat memorabilia when her water heater floods her apartment.
• Disciplining tenants who have moved in from Africa for fire-eating on the tennis courts (I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried).
• Trying to convince the tenant who lives above the pool that he should not throw bologna in the water to chase away the "evil spirits."
• Coming home from the hospital with your newborn baby and having somebody walk up to you as you gimp out of the car just to inform you that their toilet needs fixing... RIGHT NOW!!!
• 20 year olds telling you that they have "perfect credit" only to find that they had already amassed 34 collection accounts in the two years that they've been allowed to own credit cards.
• Having the FBI rifle through your tenant files after 9/11 because they suspect a sleeper cell is living in your complex.
• Cleaning out human waste from people's bathtubs because the sewage line has backed up into three buildings.
• Telling the two sets of missionaries living in a top floor apartment above the parking lot that it is NOT okay to hurl flatware at passing vehicles.
• Shutting down birthday parties for toddlers because their parents' guests have become drunk and disorderly.
• Catching your security guard and your assistant having an adulterous affair while they are supposed to be on duty.
• Laying out Easter Eggs for a hunt that is to transpire the next morning, only to find that the raccoons have opened all the eggs and eaten the candy inside before sunrise.
• Dragging an 8 year old kid back to his dad's apartment because he was caught "huffing" aerosol cans in the parking lot.
• Convincing an AIDS patient that it was NOT okay to sell his medical marijuana to his neighbors.
• Cleaning out a transvestite's closet who had left town without leaving notice, but neglected to pack his fake boobies and size 14 stiletto heals.
• Opening doors for locked out tenants at 4:00 in the morning.
• Kicking out your neighbors upstairs, which ends in a retaliatory 10-hour heavy metal guitar marathon aimed at your ceiling.

Yup. Those were the days.

Do I Really Want to Open Up This Can of Worms?

Well, this isn't really a tag, per se... But I saw this on a few of my friends' blogs and it sounds like fun. Here's how it works:

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

Five is RIGHT OUT!

So Wayne gave me another freaking tag! After this, I call a tag truce! No more. I have important things to say, and am held back by my compulsion to answer these things. If you got a tag from me about kitchen sinks and toilets, that's so yesterday! You'll see that post a little further down.

Wayne's tag was something I've never blogged about, so again, I'm fished in. Here it goes... His challenge was to come up with five bands that I was into in high school, and discuss (with pictures). I can't think of five bands I was INTO, so here are three... no more, no less.

1. The Cure

Now, I can divide my music tastes into two very distinct categories in high school: Pre-cheerleading and Post-Cheerleading. Before I was handed pom-pons, I was a lot more morose. I had angst. We had moved to Sacramento because my fat, creepy step-dad had wooed my mom away from my hometown so he could keep his fabulous job at the power plant (Can anyone say Homer Simpson?). I started giving all my church leaders major attitude, and I think they all worried I was going to corrupt all the other sweet little innocent 12-13 year old girls in the youth group. But there was this one family in our ward who had, like, twelve perky little perfect kids... except one of them. Lisa was her name. And she had angst! She wore black lipstick, long straight hair (mind you, this was the 80's and big hair was king), and black clothes. She was COOL! About this time, I found a band who had a similar style, complete with black lipstick. I look back now and think they look like they walked out of the movie Beetlejuice, but they were so moody, and that's the personae I wanted to convey to my Mom and my fat, freaky step-dad... Who (last time I saw him) looked a lot like this, but without the Tim Burton hair and eye makeup:Poor, poor Robert Smith... What have you become?

2. U2U2 has been my favorite band since I first started buying records. Loved them then, love 'em now. I love how they've evolved over the years. And I think Larry Mullen Jr. is super studly. Bono is the coolest humanitarian on the planet, and wouldn't it be wicked awesome if he won a Nobel Peace prize someday? It is one of my lifelong goals to see them in concert, but every time they go on tour, tickets are hundreds of dollars and I can't afford it... and as time progresses and I age (and they age), I have visions of all the old farts that still make such a big deal about going to Rolling Stones concerts. They're finally able to fulfill their lifelong dreams of seeing Mick Jagger and Keith Richards prance around onstage with their walkers, because they can finally cash in that IRA and afford the tickets that they have longed to purchase since 1967. Nope. Not me. I'll just keep dreaming I was at the U2 Joshua Tree concert in 1985.

And now onto my post-cheerleading days...

I somehow became perky.

I liked side ponytails.

I wore aqua and purple.

And above all else, I liked to shake my groove thing.

And the one thing I remember I absolutely HAD to have on my mix-tape for my sweet sixteen birthday party...

3. Vanilla Ice (...Ice Baby) No party was complete without it. Sure, he plagiarized Queen. Who cared? The dude could rap! And I didn't know he was white when I first heard the song. I just figured he was another MC Hammer... Well, his pants were certainly just as "fly." And he had a kickin' high top fade with the shaved side stripes.

What can one say when one hears such sounds but, "Word to your mother."

I now tag Shellie(who says she "sucky sucks" because she hasn't been blogging lately, so here's some good comedic fodder for ya!), Kelly (we all know Duran Duran will be on that list!), and Josh (who I've never seen post anything on his family blog, but I miss our morning commuter discussions about such things, so I'm willing to see if this sparks such a post).

Another Tag-o-rama

Diana tagged me. I wish her blog wasn't private. She is a very funny writer, and (I have recently confirmed) a very anal retentive housekeeper. With this tag, you are supposed to take pictures of things as they are RIGHT NOW. No cheating. No Molly Mormon "Oh dang it, I don't have the scriptures laying out on the bed in a conspicuous place, so I'll just set it next to the flower arrangement after I dust and then take the picture." Nope. As is! So here's me:

1. My kitchen sink as it is:Just kidding. But can you imagine if somebody's kitchen DID look like this? Do you think they'd actually post it like that? Or would they frantically scurry around shoving pots and pans in the oven just to take the Better Homes and Garden shot? And then, when they'd ask people to come over for dinner, their friends would flash back to the picture, there would be an awkward pause, and the friend would say something like, "Uuuuh. I have a thing to go to. Sorry. I can't make it tonight. Maybe some other time."

Here's the real me:

2. My toilet as it is: (Okay. I flipped down the corner on one of the bath mats. I guess that was cheating.)

3. My laundry room as is:

(sorry folks... Don't have one of my own)

4. My fridge as is:

5. Wayne as is:

(Dude, I am SO DEAD when he finds this one! Can you say Al Bundy?)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.....

6. The Kids:

Hayden as is ("The Microsoft X-Box: Proud contributor to obesity and killer of brain cells since 2001"):

Nathan as is (Just walked in the door before I was ready to post):

7. My favorite shoes (Not for comfort, mind you):8. My favorite room:

9. My closet as is: (Not organized by fabric content as it once was) 10. Me right now:

I now tag Amy (even though nobody looks at her blog, but really should because her kid is one of the cutest little dudes on the planet) ;-), Katie Bybee, and Anna.

I Think They Could Get Used To This...

Southern California life agrees with them, don't ya think?

The Glory of the Sun

Enjoy the awesomeness that is our dining room light fixture.

Disclaimer: Any illusions of transfiguration while in our kitchen are merely coincidental. Please do not mistake "The Glory" for deity. While its luminescence is life-altering, we have yet to have any truly religious experiences in its magnificent glow.

Please note, there are about 4 bulbs missing from its full glory. If I didn't laugh about it, I'd cut it down with a hacksaw...

If you are not a fan of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", you are likely scratching your head wondering, "What in the world was that?"

If so, I doubt we can still be friends.

Worth Seeing

I'm not one to waste your time with my opinions about movies, but this one was worth blogging about...

When first I saw the previews for Disney Pixar's Wall-E, I was very lukewarm about seeing it. A post-apocalyptic robot didn't really do it for me. But one of my patients gave me a generous gift certificate to AMC movie theaters as a graduation present, and I wanted to use it to take the whole family out. This was the latest family flick, so I was willing to give it a try.

Much to my surprise, I could not stop smiling throughout the whole movie. It was interesting, astoundingly beautiful, thought-provoking, and above all else: charming! There was very little dialogue in the beginning of the movie, but it was hysterical watching the personality that was able to be conveyed with so few words. And once the female counterpart was introduced (she was akin to the i-pod... he was the sony walkman cassette player), I was amazed at how the writers and animators were able to demonstrate such emotion on ROBOTS! How did they do that?

I also enjoyed how they were able to get across a somewhat political message without making the whole thing too agendized. Without giving away one of the main plot lines, let's just say it was a point well taken, but I never felt like I was being preached to.

Bottom line: I have a new favorite to add to my list. I loved this movie!

Our Neighbor?

Moving to LA LA land, we were fairly certain at some point we'd run into celebrities somewhere: I work at the hospital that Britney Spears was seeking psychiatric treatment... Rumor has it that Owen Wilson lives down the street... I was 5 feet away from the red carpet of the Juno movie premier when I came for my interview... So far, no sightings.

However, there is this car that parks in front of our apartment complex with the license plate "WEE MAN" proudly displayed.

Could this be our neighbor? Wee Man of Jackass fame? Johnny Knoxville's homey? MTV's answer to affirmative action? Delightful.

MTV is about 6 blocks away. Perhaps he was looking to live close to work. If he is our neighbor, I only have one thing to say: "STAY AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN!" If they start piercing their butt cheeks together, I know who to blame!

More Stuff You Never Wanted to Know About Me

Christine tagged me, so if you're not sick of learning weird stuff about me I would never disclose otherwise, enjoy the complexity that is me...

5 things I did today:
1)Rode the bus next to a crazy dude with a bandanna covered in marijuana logos on his stinky head

2)Listened to a lecture that droned on and on and on about working in the hospital... My favorite part was when they told us how best to utilize the hospital chaplain if one of our patients dies and we have to inform the family. I HOPE I never have to do that as a dentist!!!

3)Tried to download a new ringtone on my new cell phone... But I can't! Dern newfangled contraptions!

4)Had an impression of my ear canal taken so I can get a fancy shmancy stethoscope made custom for my ear.

5)Blogged much later than I ought to, since I have to be up at 4:30 tomorrow.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1) Snap peas
2) Kettle chips
3) Watermelon
4) Pirate's Booty (not Johnny Depp... The popcorn)
5) Peanut butter M & M's

5 things I would do if I were suddenly a billionaire:
1) Pay off school debt and sock away a bunch for the boys' education
2) Have an Oprah Winfrey-esqe give away day for my family
3) Travel all over the world
4) Do a whole bunch of children's dentistry for free
5) Buy a house and fill it with fabulous furnishings, a killer kitchen, and a live in maid

5 places I've lived:
1) San Rafael
2) Sacramento
3) Augusta, GA
4) San Diego area
5) Santa Monica

5 jobs I've had:
1) Craft department manager at House of Fabrics
2) Manager at McDonald's
3) Stay-at-home mom
4) Slum lord in a low-income apartment complex
5) Killer, dissector, and experimentor of hundreds of lab mice (Wayne swears they will haunt me in the afterlife)

5 things people don't know about me (I'm pretty sure I can't top the body bag and Milli Vanilli so don't get too excited):
1) I can't whistle

2) I performed Shakespeare with a southern accent in high school

3) I had a great big crush on Larry Wilcox in the third grade. "Who's that?" you say? He was Eric Estrada's blonde counterpart in the 70's phenomenon known as CHiPs.

4) I once ate an entire bag of tangerines when I was pregnant with Nathan and a whole jar of pickles when I was pregnant with Hayden

5) I had a pillow that I slept with (like a security blanket) until I came out to California to go to college. During my first night away from home, I threw it away because I figured it was time to grow up. (Chad??? Andy???)

5 People I tag:
Tag! You're it
1) Chad
2) Andy
3) Sanders
4) Carlton
5) Wayne

...I know... A bold and potentially disastrous move on my part tagging all men, but let's see what happens! And Chad, you have my permission to postpone until you get some pictures up of your brand new baby girl, but let's not put this off too long, mmm-kay?