I think my kids are turning out pretty good. They are fairly respectful to adults, they show compassion to people less fortunate than they, they haven't killed any little furry animals for fun... But every once in a while, I feel entirely inadequate and that my children are doomed because I have irreparably screwed them up. If I dole out the wrong punishment are they going to turn into serial killers right before my eyes? How did Mama John Wayne Gacy and Mama Ted Bundy feel when their kids brought home sucky report cards? Did they look into their little boys' eyes and know that F in math was going to spiral into future butchery?
I'm being WAAAAAAAY melodramatic, but this week has seemed so ruinous (parenting-wise) and a conversation with Hayden today has me scratching my head and fearing for my son's soul. How do I parent this child? I do NOT understand what makes him tick. His motivators are the antithesis of mine.
It all began with his progress report that he tried not to show us this week. Despite last semester's grades of mostly A's and B's, he has now decided his favorite letter is "F." As in, "What the F, Hayden?" And apparently this is a new thing... Looking at his daily grades, he seems to have excelled until the month of March, which I guess was the month that he decided his career as an academic was at an end.
When Wayne met with his math teacher, I think the teacher was surprised with how much structure was implemented in our home: Hayden has to show us his assignments as soon as he walks in the door, he sits at a specific place at the kitchen table until he is finished, he has to show us his work when he is finished, there is no X-box during the work week, and we don't even have T.V. so his distractions are minimal. I think all of the teacher's assumptions about Hayden's parents were shattered by this conversation. I think he envisioned a single mom, curlers in her hair, using her welfare check to buy tall-forties and cigarettes at the local liquor store. "Hayden! Quit scribbling over there while Momma's tryin' to nurse this hangover!" "But mother, I must do my homework or I will get an F in math." "Math, Schmath! All you's need to know is how much sales tax the government's gonna tack on to my carton of Marlboros!"
And then it became all too clear to us and the teacher that it wasn't the environment that was the problem, it was this child's will that was impeding him. When Hayden has the will to work hard, he does so with all his might. When he does not wish to work, there are no carrots to dangle that are nearly enticing enough, and no punishments that can be handed down that will be nearly threatening enough. He just wants what he wants when he wants it. He is Instant-Gratification-Boy.
So the hammer came down. All the weekend privileges of video games were suspended. Visits with friends were severely limited. And then this conversation today came up...
"Mommy and Daddy, I don't think these punishments are going to work."
"But Hayden, we have given you incentives, too... and they don't work either. When you don't do the things you are supposed to do, you end up with consequences. The major consequence of this is that you will have to work extra hard to bring your grades up. And if you choose not to do so, the consequence may be repeating a class or a grade and then you will have to do this same work that you are trying so hard to avoid... all over again."
"I know, but rewards won't work, and neither will punishments."
"Then what will work?"
"I don't know. Somebody just needs to make me do it."
*Insert screeching vinyl record noise here*
What was that, Hayden? Somebody needs to make you do it? Somebody needs to compel you to choose the right? That sounds a little like Satan to me. Do you choose to give up your agency and your ability to make choices for yourself... just to make it easier on you because self-discipline is hard?
Ummmm. No. That is not an option. Hayden, governing yourself is difficult. It is one of our lifelong pursuits as human beings. But nobody is going to do it for you. I mean, if you continue down a path to pursue this extremely rigid way of life, I'm sure the military or prison could offer you such a life, but it is my hope as a mother that you will have more options than that. I wish for you to understand that the natural consequences for underachieving are simple: You lose options. You lose the ability to choose, because some of your original choices will be closed off to you.
How does one convey this to an 11 year old with the attention span of a flea and the self-discipline of a monkey? I don't know!!! Somehow as a child, I had this inherent fear of feeling bad for not meeting my responsibilities and this inherent reward for completing them. It felt great when I achieved something and terrible when I failed. That was it! There was no magic formula to get me to do my school work... It was very simple! How do I instill this into a child who doesn't give a rat's ass if he's failed, and thinks Legos are more exciting than the intrinsic value of accomplishment?
I know Hayden is far from the next Ted Bundy. I KNOW this! But sometimes I am completely at a loss to know why Heavenly Father has entrusted me with this strong-willed young man and baffled as to how He thinks I am going to pull this one off. How can I properly instruct this foreign personality? I just don't know yet. I only hope something clicks between us within the next 7 or 8 years I have Hayden in my home.
