The World According to Shana

I have a host of very weird quirks. I don't notice them anymore. Wayne thinks most of them are cute. But most of my acquaintances don't ever notice the internal dialog that goes on when any number of situations crosses my path. So consider yourselves privileged (though perhaps a bit frightened) to enter the madness within me. Here are the rules of my world:

• One must NEVER say the following: I haven't had a cold/parking ticket/speeding ticket/jury summons in so long! As soon as you say such ill-fated mumbo jumbo, you have doomed yourself, and will be unable to truthfully say such things in about a week.


• If you say, "Traffic is not bad today," you will find the road ahead of you has suddenly jammed itself into parking lot status.


• Food should be eaten very carefully. Whatever you are eating, you should try to nibble away at it until you have composed the "perfect bite." This means that as many elements of a dish that make it yummy should be corralled into a center piece and eaten as a grand finale of culinary ecstasy contained in a single bite. For example, pizza should be eaten in the following manner: First, bite off the floppy, pointy part at the end. Next, tear most of the crust off and eat it, but save yourself a little piece in the corner to hold onto. Eat most of the rest of the pizza from the fat side. Finish with the bite that has the most toppings, usually somewhere in the middle of the piece. (Incidentally, my sister eats her pizza this way too, and we formed this weird little ritual independent of one another.)


• Before bed, the following routine must be carefully performed each night: Get into jammies. Take out contacts. Brush teeth for two minutes. Drink a big glass of water. Pee. Wash hands. Wash face. Put lotion on face. Put on glasses. Put body lotion on legs and feet. Wash hands again. Put chapstick on. Drink another glass of water. Set alarm. Read or watch a movie until the sandman comes calling. Always keep covers on, even if it's 90 degrees outside (just don't put the covers on your feet when it's hot.)


• When talking on the phone, rock back and forth as though you had a sleeping infant in your arms. If you are feeling particularly energetic, wander through the house at the same time. But whatever you do, don't sit still!


• Solve a sudoku puzzle when you are sitting through a long, boring lecture. It is impossible to sit and listen to "blah blah blah" without doing something with your hands. Numbers and doodles are great, but NEVER crossword puzzles.


• When too tired, never try to use your thumbs. They won't function.


• When very annoyed, wiggle your feet back and forth in a perturbed, fidgety manner. When relaxed, circle your ankles back and forth in a contented fashion.


• While sleeping, scrunch up your face like an angry old man. The crease developing on your forehead will abate itself with Botox someday.


• Always, ALWAYS keep your pinkie up when drinking a beverage.

I fear if I post any further idiosyncrasies, I will have made too clear a case for my neuroses. What are some of your weirdest quirks?