Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Dentist

We'll do this Letterman style ... (Incidentally, these are all things that have ACTUALLY happened to me over the last couple of years).

10. Tell your dentist you have been doing some research about a breakthrough product on the market that you would like him/her to use. Insist said research is from scientific literature and then proceed to show your dentist the one-page ad that popped up on your computer while perusing the latest herbal remedy website.

9. Insist that you have been brushing vigilantly (and flossing too), but all the while cultivate your cheesy-looking plaque that flourishes so nicely in your yuck mouth. To top it all off, eat tacos with extra onions and cilantro right before the appointment. Your dentist hasn't had time to eat before your 4 hour appointment. Perhaps if you can nauseate him/her, your dentist won't be distracted by a grumbling tummy.

8. Put on a fashion show in the middle of the clinic isle. All the other patients have been sitting for so long, and they need some entertainment.

7. Try to steal the safety goggles. They are exceptionally stylish and could possibly fund that European vacation you have always dreamed about if you post them on e-bay.

6. Ask the dentist to drill out all of your perfectly good silver fillings and cut off your gold crowns because the radio signals they keep conducting get a little noisy. When your dentist asks if they tune in to a decent station, scoff and be very offended.

5. Show up 1/2 hour before a scheduled appointment to tell your dentist that you can't COME IN for the appointment (be sure you are ACTUALLY PRESENT for this conversation...it is so much more effective in person). Proceed to make really fake coughing noises and try to make it sound like you are REALLY sick.

4. Diagnose yourself with cancer. Dentists really enjoy the chance to interact with their collegues in the medical world, and cancer will definately warrent a consult. Be sure you have researched all of your symptoms on the internet. This will make you sound more convincing.

3. Work up an elaborate treatment plan with your dentist and then FREAK OUT on the day of your surgery. Drama is fun. The dentist's office gets kind of boring, and patients in adjacent operatories love to hear how you are a "healer" and how you are trying to "save the world" with your healing power. Maybe you will heal your neighbor with this interaction (but probably not yourself, because you still need the surgery).

2. Spend your entire appointment talking to your dentist about dead celebrities...even the really obscure ones. Be sure to do this with the rubber dam stretched accross your mouth. Dentists have to learn how to interpret "dam-speak," and this is a perfect way for them to get practice.

And the #1 way to annoy your dentist *drum roll*....

1. Insist that your dentures be constructed entirely of animal bone. After all, George Washington was pleased with his dentures, and plastic (you have recently learned on the internet) causes cancer.

(Notice: He's not smiling!!!)