My Vision of the Future

11:00 am at the medical center information desk...

Hi. I'm here to see a doctor.

Okay. You'll need to go to window 24 to pick up form 863-B and be sure to specify what your symptoms are, past medical history, and your tax bracket.

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11:27 am at window 24

Excuse me, could you tell me where form 863-B is located? The guy at the information desk told me to pick it up at window 24.

Well, they used to be here at 24, but now you'll have to go online, download the form (we're "Going Green," you know), print it off, get a notarized signature and then turn it in at window 19.

First, how is that any greener if I have to print the form on paper? and Second, do you have a notary on site, or do I have to procure the services of a notary elsewhere prior to being assigned a doctor?

As for the snide comment about the environment, your grievance will be noted and you will be placed on the No-Fly list for being an ecoterrorist. And the notary is in the building just past the outside entrance on your left. You just go in the door marked 1423-R, walk down the hall, turn left at the end, make a quick right past the copy machine, and look for the notary window marked 18-J. But I think they're closed for lunch, so you'll have to come back at 2:00.

But it's 11:30 now... Do they really take three hour lunches?

That's part of the work furlough program. If the government gives them a 3 hour lunch, they're not considered full time employees, and they don't have to pay for their health benefits.

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2:01 pm at the notary marked 18-J

Hi. I need to get this form notarized.

That'll be $15.oo.

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2:45pm At window 19

Okay. Here is my notarized form 863-B, and now can I please be assigned a doctor?

Well, you can... But you're not supposed to turn it in at window 19. Nope. You need to take this to the line corresponding to your medical specialty. Oncology is line 12, OB/GYN is line 8, Cardiology is line 14, Gastroenterology is line 6, Radiology is line 12...

Wait a minute! You said Oncology was in line 12.

Well of course I did. At odd hours, Oncology is in line 12. Even hours, line 12 is radiology.

But what if I get in line at, say 2:50 (which would be radiology) and then 10 minutes passes and I'm now at the front of the oncology line.

Hahahahahaha! Silly! You would never get through the line in 10 minutes! It will take you at least an hour. So, when you get to the front of the line at 4:00, you'll still be in radiology.

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4:59pm at line 12

Hi. Is this currently radiology or oncology?

You still have one minute of radiology time in the line.

I need to turn in this notarized form, and would like to be assigned a doctor to get a mammogram.

Well, that would be perfect if you had stepped in line a few minutes earlier, but now it's 5:00 and we are closing. You can try again tomorrow. And since you had this notarized today, you can skip that step and just come straight into the radiology line. But since it was notarized on a different day, you will have to pay a $20 surcharge.

But in my tax bracket, I'm not supposed to have to pay any surcharges.

No. That was before the president decided unilaterally to add surcharges to every form that is filled out. We're trying to "Go Green," so we're deterring waste by adding these surcharges.

But the guy at window 24 said I had to fill this out! How can you charge me for something that I have to fill out to get a doctor?

I'm sorry. That's just how it works. We have to pay for this free health care somehow! And since you've kept me 5 minutes past closing time, you will also be billed for my overtime. You'll just pay that when you file your taxes. It'll be on line 7c of the D67 form.

So, I don't get to have a mammogram today?

No. And to be honest, we don't even have the budget for it this month... Um, errrr, seven months. So once you get assigned you doctor, you'll just have to wait for us to mail form 32-J. That will be like a pass to be assigned a medical district that the doctor is working in for that month. Just look for the green form with the big, bold letters 32-J in the window. You should be expecting that sometime before Christmas.

But it's February! And I found a lump in my breast!

Well, then you should have gone to oncology. Thank you. Come again.