L.A. -ti-FRICKIN-da!

I HATE L.A.!!!

Not just a little bit... I really, REALLY, REALLY hate it! I mean, it's nice enough to visit if you have lots of money to spend on fine dining and fancy hotels. There is a lot of art and culture to see if you have the time or inclination, and the beaches and weather are superb. But if you want to get to any of those places, chances are you will be stuck in traffic at some point in the journey. And once you get there, you will probably have to pay $12 to park. And then if you decide to make another stop, it'll be more traffic and more parking fees. And while you're stuck in traffic, you will probably get honked at... or shall I say HOOOOOOOOOONKED at, because let's face it, the only way to successfully express yourself in a moving vehicle in L.A. is to really lay on the horn to make sure your frustrations are entirely understood. Flipping the bird is a frequently encountered local greeting on the road, too. It's practically like waving hello around here.

So my solution to this problem has been to take the bus to and from work. There are many things that make this sound appealing: I can let somebody else deal with the stress of driving in traffic. It picks me up a block away from my house. I don't have to pay for parking. For UCLA employees it is only 25 cents to ride. It's the "green" thing to do. And, I can read or study while I bide my time. But the caveat here is this: BUSES LIKE TO CRASH INTO OTHER CARS WHEN I AM IN THEM! I have been in three bus accidents in the year and a half that I have been here. I have never been hurt, but Holy Freaking Crap! THREE TIMES?!?

This morning's crash was particularly delightful, as we collided with a brilliant driver trying to shave a minute off her commute by running the red light to get onto the freeway and turning right into our path.

Bus-1: Stupid commuter-0.
Time saved trying to beat the light: Negative 3+ hours.

Thankfully, a little old man who was riding the bus with me was kind enough to check on the commuter's well being, as she was visibly in shock and quite embarrassed... Oh, wait. I got that wrong. That's what it looked like he was going to do as he shuffled over to her window and rapped on the glass. Instead, though, he just gave her his best mad-dog stare and shouted, "YOU STUPID BLANKITY-BLANK-BLANK-BLANK!" And then his wife beat him up with her purse shouting profanities at him and trying to usher him away. Can you feel the love this city has to offer? ...Where even the geriatrics are compelled to physically and verbally assault their fellow man? It's like a freaking Hallmark card every day!

But that wasn't even the best part. To add insult to injury, as I was herded safely off the bus onto the sidewalk, I began walking to try and get to the next stop in order to continue my journey to work. I got about 50 feet away from the accident when another commuter, obviously annoyed by the traffic that our little situation had created, sped past us, fanning an enormous spray of puddle water from my head to my feet. It soaked through three layers of clothing and gave me the delightful aroma of "Au de Gutter" all day. The only thing that could have made it the perfect trifecta of Monday-ness is if a bird had pooped on my head (and I imagine if the bird hailed from L.A., he would probably drop his load... and then flip me the bird as he headed South for the winter!)

Needless to say, I am counting down the days when I can leave Los Angeles in my rearview mirror. The only problem is: I'll probably get stuck in traffic on the way out and it'll take me six hours to drive the 25 miles to get out of this wretched place.