Of Pioneers, Diet Coke, and Carnage

Today, our family went to the Pioneer Day picnic at Palisades Park in 72 degree weather in the middle of July! I know, I know... I am stating this in an entirely sadistic attempt to get lots of comments from the poor suckers in Arizona enduring 115 degree heat for the next few months (...Suckers!)

I kind of have issues with Pioneer Day, as I have absolutely no pioneer heritage and I grow tired of listening to people giving accounts of their illustrious heritage during Sacrament meeting talks. Nobody on either side of my family was even remotely related to Brigham Young or any of his wives. My not-so-distant relatives came by boat and plane to California from Germany, Sweden, Australia, and Pittsburgh--There were no oxcarts involved. Not to mention the fact that I hate the songs that always get sung at church around Pioneer Day, i.e. "In Our Lovely Deseret." "Scatter Sunshine" is another deplorable song, but is not so thematic as "In Our Lovely Deseret," which always reminds me of women in bonnets, sitting around the campfire on the plains as their "chips for wood" smolders away and the Indians lurk in the bushes trying to avoid the fumes. ...But I digress...

So today we celebrated like every good convert's family does, and gathered around the park benches to chow on potluck delights. I should mention, that NOBODY that I spoke to at the picnic had any pioneer heritage, and I am very proud to say that there was absolutely NO jello salad or funeral potatoes to be found on the table. *tear trickling down my cheek* So my absolutely unscientific conclusion is heretofore: Relatives of Brigham Young = Jello Salad + Funeral Potatoes. Masses of recent converts and their families = Diet Coke + Hummus. Indeed, somebody actually dared to bring caffeinated beverages to the potluck, to which my instinctive reaction was a silent "SCORE!!!". The assortment of tasty treats truly was a thing of beauty, and I overate and drank Diet Coke in front of my Bishop because I'm pretty sure the pioneers would have given their left arm just to sup at such a table... I guess you could say, I did it for them.

The other thing we did at the picnic, which was truly picture-worthy (but I'm lame and didn't bring a camera), was allow children to beat a horse with a baseball bat... in honor of the pioneers, of course. Not a real horse, but a pinata that rivaled the size of a pony-ish animal, and which could have contained a bunch of little Greeks hiding away to sack Troy at nightfall. But if there were any in there, they were summarily smacked to tiny bits and gobbled up by hungry primary children who mistook them for candy.

This pinata was ginormous! We almost had to make two trips to get it to the park, as it took some mighty fine ingenuity to finagle that thing into our little Toyota Carola. We almost had to strap one of the children to the roof of the car. Then when we got it strung up into the tree, it was so weighty that the first whack with the bat left the poor creature decapitated, traumatizing the nursery kids and causing a ravaging blood lust amongst the older primary children, who knew that within "Ulysses'" innards there were delicious treats to be had (Did I mention we named the thing? It was the size of a human being, hence we couldn't sentence him to die without giving him a proper name...So we went with the Trojan Horse theme.) Anyhoo... the children enjoyed the carnage, nobody was impaled with the bat, I didn't have to reimplant any teeth from overly-zealous stray swings, AND I think I have secured a lot of dental business for the clinic with the overwhelming amount of candy that was distributed to the Primary kids. (Mwaaa-Haaa-Haaa!) I suppose I could have filled Ulysses with toothpaste and floss, but then I remembered that the recipients would be wielding a baseball bat when they broke him open, and if they discovered such a disappointing reward inside, things could get very ugly very fast.

So that's how the Van Cleaves celebrated Pioneer Day: Great weather, overeating, and carnage. And now off to bed so I can be well rested for church tomorrow... "Hark, Hark, Hark! The children's voices..." *shudder* ...I've got to mentally prepare myself.